Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")

And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: provide All people a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In line with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."

Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.

"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Regulate established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"

The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may even include:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Portion Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

User Trump Tower Damascus @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge exactly where my PTSD might have change-down support."

Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences suggest:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."